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Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I ha…
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"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."
"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they k…
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"If you can make a fist, you can figure out if the time is right to be digging around your garden.
Robin Potter, a Pennsylvania Horticultural Society lecturer, said soil needs to be warm to be worked, and the easiest way to determine that is to just…"
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- Learn Ancient Asian Techniques
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- Learn the Art of Control
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- Train with exotic Implements
- Achieve your Maximum Potential
New Class meets Tuesday and Thur…
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"One night a musher, who had spent many days on the trail, pulled into a small town that liked to tease strangers, which he was. Seeking refreshment, he entered the town's tavern and ordered a beer. Finishing his beer, he exited the tavern only to di…"
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A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and sits down. A couple of minutes later, the bartender sees the guy talking to his hand. Not wanting any of his other customers to beat this guy up, the bartender walks over and tells the guy to stop talking t…
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A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all between 10 and 12 years of age. The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing wi…
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Apr 28

The World According to Andy Rooney

On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."

On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

On Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my God. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."

On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen". You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

On Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

On Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

On Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."


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  • Love kitties! Have 2 of them Klinger and Radar! Thanks for the welcome

  • Going to my Mom's this weekend so just in case...

  • I see it's you're birthday in 3 day....I will come back then....

    For now, just stoping by to say hi, hope you're well'''


  • Thank you so much for the lovely welcome! :) I look forward to being here, many blessings :)

  • Stop and Smell the Flowers by Kelly Sealy // Everyone should always take time and stop and smell the flowers. Even, my cat NuNu does.:

    It<s been a long time, hope you are well'''

  • Thanks for the welcome :)
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Fulton, NY


June 4

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I am a 59 year old crone, a kitchen witch. I have been married 26 years, and have two adult kids. Geoffrey is 25, and Kasey, who is autistic is 23. I love music, all sorts, reading and crafting. My online family is what keeps me sane.


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