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Just writing thoughts -2017

In January I am thinking of making  quiet exit

Ihave too much going on here and also feel it may be best

I no longer feel I fit this path I have walked

I am seeking a dream one last time giving it all

 May not happen but at least I can say I have tried

If not  not sure what I will do

Having issues with my case worker in regards to my   services for my mental health issues

Have my mom but she is old

No family

No one here

I have already been told by her sister when mom is gone you are out

I am scared

The sad thing is all I want is love I have tried to be the best me but truth is  I guess I have become to selfish more cause I feel I need to but still

Trust is hard for me Truth is I do not know how to give love  let alone unconditional love

People in past have promised to me but  then let me down

Life happens I do not always think all things through hence mom gets pissed with me

Again  something in me has broke again

In January I plan on going leave in peace

Please no I am sorry it is what it is

In some ways truth is I made my own hole in life 

Sometimes you have to be honest   and know  sometimes it is not everyone else

I just jjust no longer no how to chnage or even if I want to go through the process 48  I am tired truly tired

I am going for my dream one final time

Giving my all  at a high price again

I have to try and see  if there is not a reason a door has been opend and see how far I get

Should I get rejected again yes will be depressed but I  will be done 

maybe it is just fantasy but I must press on to find out

Truth I am a Shadow a Hermit at home

My friends are online

 One who has  truly I can say always been truthful  sometimes mad at me but its ok she loves me this I do not doubt

I have  one other who truly cares though very little times as her family is number one

most acquantences online and those who live what Id love to live

When I walked out of church I lost friends  when the coven  dissolved not long after I found out truly  I had no real friends I also  battled depression and  finaly got help but then after    two who were closest to me left me alone so I gave up on people here in Ohio

I am scared sometimes dont like to share this I wish I could just be held but I comfort me in some ways

I am just writing and giving heads up 

 NO none has hurt me at all here  It is me and my path  and just me Time for another journey alone I suppose

Where this leads do not know

Truth is I  am taking down Witch and even Lady  from my name I am Shadow

I no longer know what is truth what is my truth. 

One big wropper that really hurt me was being deceived by Ning but dont wish to talk of it  It is done

This year being treated good by someone NO person I do not think is in community but once was part of Black Moon even a Admin twice spread lies  about others and eve me

Gifts which came at a price.

Everything has some kind of price

I want to closed the door on this year

I broke down or had soem break downs at the store I know need get on my meds esp If I am going to   try catch my dream.

I snapped at some people for covering round me to see something I said excuse me I need spacxe  jc!  GD!  they said merry christmas ugh  It is like I paniced being smothered

OMYG  the holiday season LOL

PS Please all I ask do nto do  aww are you ok I am and will be I am just writting, and giving heads up not sure when in January but it will be quiet :) If you read great fif not it is cool 

One thing here In The Dark is a safe place to write and to be you

Well Done Kat

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Comments

  • Sending best wishes and reiki to you Lady Shadow, I hope things turn out for the better for you and everyone this coming year. Since I lost my mother "90" in November these holidays mean nothing to me anymore.

  • and you might get a flash all of the sudden how to decorate your site over there at spruz too. There's a lot to do that I'm finding out that I hadn't before.

  • Ill still be here profile wise so Ill keep in touch for those who wish to ok

    Sorry this is just dark time and right now very depresse.

    Stay safe and try enjoy holidays trying focus on good things like my doggy  who  is my heart and good therapy lol

    Just so you know when I am not around or posting I am alive  lol

  • Holidays are   always very dark for me dont always know why  and other times I know some lol but will deal

  • Blessed be all I still have black Moon on sprux I may  redo in Jan or Feb if any wish to keep in contact  let me think Ill post again below I leave ok

    Its hard others ae hurting ofr various reasons and   so I am but for soem different

    I also have a dream an  guess  sometimes one has to chance it alone  and if doesnt work Ill be alone

    Then again

    in my life peopel come and go 

    Not all is always my fault too

    I am not alwas innocent but I am not always al wrong and do not dserserve  well  wont say  I dont want to put my energy out on  here lol

    Anyways Ill post again Helela and Raven  Ill  post you   here were to keep in tuch need do a new email

    I am canceling and redoing paypal after new year or finding another solution  Trying to sell cloths and other stuff  even on ebay lol so we will see

  • Thanks everyone

  • Hell that would be the most powerful neighborhood, definatly, lol.

  • Maybe one of these days we'll all get smart and pack our stuff and we'll all move into the same town and the same neighborhood, no bosses, fuck the covens, just friends enjoying each other in person. Wouldn't that be cool?

  • Lady Shadow, you will always be a "lady" to me.  You will always be in my thoughts because i know you have lived a hard and tough life. But, your a fighter, and fighters are prone to get tired too! I have gone through just what you are going through with my walk. I lost interest, I was depressed, and all of my friends are on the web. It took years to find out who the good people are and who would turn and stab me in the back. I wish all of us all lived in the same neighborhood instead of us living so far apart we have to write. I'm disabled, I can do very little as far as going places and going out is just not an option for me anymore except a trip to the grocery store, appointments and heading back here to home. I appreciate my home, it's here that I find peace and solitude, and also my friends. I jump in my car (my computer), and fingers are my steering wheel. My friends don't judge me, I feel that I have gone as far as I feel that I want to right now with my walk spiritually. If it werent for friends on the web, I wouldn't have any. People are too quick to stab someone in the back but if you leave the sites, you may get too lonely. It's my way out. And if taking the lady from your name feels right for a time, or forever, you'll always be a lady to me. There's only a few that has smiled and laughed when things get tough, not having to put on airs on being tough, even though I know you are. But even tough ones get tired, and that's why we are here, to help us hold each other up. I hope you decide not to go in January, you are loved and things change. I've been there so many times, ups and downs, and sometimes the down last a long time, but then, as long as I have been here on this earth, I've never been homeless, something has always come through. For all of the worrying about what's going to happen, when I look back, something did happen. This got paid or that happend so it worked out. It's just going through it and us putting ourselves on the chopping block for some reason while we go through it. I don't know why but I do it too. But I don't care who you call yourself, you'll always be who you are, a strong soul and someone that cared about me enough to make me feel like I was cared for myself so please don't go. I've even tried that but I realized that the ones that love me, I've never met them in my life, they are here.

  • No aww...

    just been thinking good thoughts for you , Shadow...

    Me...shit , at 50 , poisoned with foxglove by my handfasted borderline

    personality pagan wife...had to start over...just now , got out of hospital

    after a week , from veins bleeding into my stomach...almost died last week...

    Starting over , new diet , have to give up my favorite things...

    Spicy foods , Coffee , Good Stout...

    Sometimes I really believe , the Chaos Gods , Murphy , Snafu , and Fubar ,

    run the universe...if so , Perdurabo ! ( I shall endure )

    And you shall , as well...May the coming year treat you well...

    Shawn

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